You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
