I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You are a genius and a whore.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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