highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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