Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
