chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Welp...herpes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
