There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
