Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
