Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
