I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
