I think I died a long time ago.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
