I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
