I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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