She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
