My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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