never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
