come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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