i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Randomize
