you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
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Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
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I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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