The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
