:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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