this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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