I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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