there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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