this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
