jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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