Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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