The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
