I cockslap morals
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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