Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK