Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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