In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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