what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
