How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
