MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
