He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
