I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
