I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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