my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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