i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was confusing and full of hummus
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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