Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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