i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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