I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
