He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
