I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
