i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
