Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
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Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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