you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
