and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
