You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
