What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
