Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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