I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
