i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
