shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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