please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
