god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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