hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
